She’d slept a long time and woken up refreshed. It was so nice to feel normal for a change, and she’d taken a shower and brushed her hair out and felt like any other Altean just waking up to start their day saving the universe from the iron-fisted rule of a nigh-immortal despot who was responsible for countless depraved acts of death and destruction.
	That feeling of normalcy didn’t last long. In fact, it began to fade the moment she saw Shiro in the dining room. It was about lunch time – I slept the entire morning away?! Well, I suppose I needed it – and he just nodded at her and then resumed eating while very deliberately Not Looking At Her. It made her feel guilty. I did basically use him for my own gratification and then fell asleep.
	She’d told him quite explicitly that it wasn’t meant to be romantic. She’d also admitted, in the throes of passion, that she’d wanted him and dreamed of being with him. He was probably confused, but, being the good man she knew him to be, he was keeping it to himself. 
	Her traitorous mind replayed for her the way her name had sounded on his lips as they’d… STOP THAT. She sat at her seat and smiled up at Coran as he brought her something to eat and praised her for finally getting some sleep. I’ll have to find a way to properly express my gratitude to Shiro later.
	But then her body set about proving to her that everything was absolutely not normal.
	Her hands started shaking on her command control pillars. She excused herself, and, once the doors had shut, she bolted for her room. She threw herself onto the bed and rolled over to stare at the ceiling, then jumped up and started pacing. The energy surge hasn’t entirely abated. 
	She wanted to scream. She wanted to punch something. 
	She did what she could. Her sheets needed laundering for one thing; she sent them down with her dirty clothes and then put on clean replacements. She changed into workout gear and headed down to the training deck, but she knew what the drones were going to do even before they did. They were no challenge, and no help. She found busy work to try to keep herself occupied, anything, everything she could get her hands on.
	The restlessness throbbed through her.
	As the Castle’s night cycle loomed closer, she was in her private bathroom, staring at herself in the mirror. I can’t go and ask him to do this again. Not after last night. Not after everything that happened. It’s not going to happen again because I refuse to treat Shiro like some… some sex toy. He deserves better than that. 
	If nothing else, he deserved an explanation. A clarification of where they stood. Last night had been wonderful and she’d finally gotten some sleep after venting so much quintessence, but it wasn’t going to happen again. Things need to stay professional between us, and I’ve gone and made it all awkward. She cursed at her image in the mirror, at the white hair that spoke of the sacred royal bloodline she was part of and the occasional quintessence surges that apparently came with it.
	This is my fault. I will apologize and explain and… and figure something else out. There had to be another way that was just as good as sex. The ancient texts were from before a unified Altea had started out into the cosmos. The ancients just didn’t know any other ways. Everything was sex and death and the wars of invisible gods to them. She’d figure out something that didn’t involve Shiro’s hands on me, one flesh and one metal, the heat and fullness of him within me, the way he moans my name…
	That wasn’t helping. She’d have a very nice memory to help her the next time she sought personal satisfaction, and she’d just leave it at that. I do kind of wish we’d been facing each other though. But that just would’ve made things worse than they already were. 
	She straightened up and smoothed out her dress, then waved a screen up to indicate everyone’s positions. Most of the paladins were in or headed to their rooms. It looked like Pidge was still in the Green Lion hangar. Coran was on the bridge with Shiro. She kept the screen up and floating to one side of her as she moved back into her room. She cast the occasional glance at it, but they hadn’t moved. She paced a little, scritched the mice, and just basically waited for Shiro to go back to his room so she could go and talk to him. I’ll go to his room rather than call him to mine. There’s no space in those tiny bunks for much nonsense, and it’d be too easy to be overheard by the others. That’ll keep things …civil.
	But, to her surprise, it was Coran who left, not Shiro. She frowned and pulled up the duty rosters. Night watch. That’d explain it. Knowing Coran, he’d likely been going through the official “changing of the guard” ceremony from ten thousand years ago, and Shiro had likely been humoring him and letting him do it for the hundredth time.
	Well, it still meant Shiro was alone. Everyone else was asleep or on their way (or, like the insomniac Pidge, going to stay up fiddling with things until unconsciousness claimed them). She turned the lights off and waited, still and quiet, for Coran to pass her room, as she knew he would. He hesitated outside her door then moved on. Good, he thinks I’m asleep and doesn’t want to wake me. She watched the map until Coran was in his room, then snuck out and took the long way to the bridge, the better to keep ‘Coranny the Nanny’ from suspecting anything.
	She tried to work out how to say what needed to be said. She didn’t want to appear ungrateful nor give the impression that she was unhappy. She didn’t want to insult him anymore than she apparently already had. 
	“You’re my fantasy, Allura.”
	She hesitated just outside the bridge. She could still hear his voice, pleasure-soaked and ragged with breathless confession. This was going to hurt him. But a clean cut healed better. He’s got enough scars; I hate to add more.
	She squared her shoulders and walked onto the bridge. He turned from his seat to look at her. “Princess.” He rose, turning to face her fully. “You should be asleep.”
	“Well, I slept half the day away!” she said with a forced laugh. She kept herself walking forward.
	“You needed it.”
	“Gods, yes, I did.” Her mind replayed the last time she’d used the phrase “Gods, yes,” and added in everything else she’d said and what she’d been doing at the time. She cleared her throat as if that would help. “And I wanted to thank you for what you… for your assistance.”
	He nodded. “It was my pleasure, Princess. Uh.” He closed his eyes and huffed at himself, cheeks reddening adorably. “I mean, I was glad to be of ser-… of HELP to you.” 
	She tried to swallow down her laughter. At least I’m not the only one feeling awkward. But I really shouldn’t be laughing about this. “I do appreciate it, and it’s because of you that I was able to get some very badly-needed rest.”
	He opened his eyes again as she came to a stop within a reasonably polite distance of him. “So, everything’s okay now? I mean, the energy surge or whatever is gone?”
	She ought to lie, but she knew it wasn’t a cover she’d be able to keep for long. She did what any good diplomat should do when having to choose between an uncomfortable truth and an obvious lie: she changed the subject. “You did an excellent job, and you shouldn’t have to worry about it going forward.”
	He arched an eyebrow. “So… the energy surge is gone?” It was less of a question and more of a prompt.
	“I came to thank you for your help and to let you know that further assistance of that kind won’t be required.”
	“Because the energy surge is gone?”
	“Because it’s unnecessary.”
	“Allura, stop double-speaking and give me a straight answer!” 
	She folded her arms. “It doesn’t matter if it’s gone or not.”
	He groaned. “That means it isn’t.”
	She dropped her arms and mused over how to phrase what she wanted to say. “Your work produced excellent results,” she could feel her cheeks heating, “but sadly only temporary ones.”
	“Do you need to…?”
	“NO,” she said before he could finish the question. “Never again. What happened last night – as good, uh, I mean, helpful as it was – is never going to happen again. We have a professional relationship to maintain. I see now that my suggestion was entirely inappropriate and…”
	He barked a laugh. “Just now? Just now you’re seeing that it was inappropriate?” 
	She frowned at him. “You didn’t protest at the time.”
	“I did, actually.”
	“You protested about you being my choice.”
	He shifted his weight. “It’s still a protest?” he pointed out feebly.
	“Are you… upset about last night?”
	He looked down at the floor between them. “I don’t know how to feel about last night. Physically, it was great. But mentally, emotionally? I don’t know. I go back and forth and… I just don’t know.”
	She took another step closer so she could better rest a gentle hand on his shoulder. “I’ve been thinking about this since I woke up. I feel like I used you, Shiro, and you don’t deserve that.”
	He sighed. “Setting aside the, um, obvious, I really am glad to have helped you. I’m glad you were able to sleep afterwards. Did you use me? Maybe. But, if so, I consented to be used.”
	“Because I’m your fantasy?” She couldn’t pose the question without her blush getting worse, but it had to be brought up.
	He nodded, still unable to look her in the eye.
	“See, this is why I can’t ask you to help me again. I don’t want to go forward playing with your emotions like this. You’re a good man, Shiro, and I do care about you.” She dropped her hand from his shoulder to his own hand, squeezing it gently. He surprised her by wrapping his hand around hers in turn and returning the squeeze. “I don’t want to use you as a glorified sex toy.”
	He snorted. “Well, at least I’m ‘glorified.’”
	“Stop it, I’m being sincere.”
	“I know. I’m sorry. It’s just… everything about this situation is awkward, and I don’t know how to handle it, and sometimes that comes out as inappropriate jokes.”
	“I understand. It is awkward.”
	“Can’t be half as awkward for me as it is for you. I’m not the one feeling like they’re going to burst at the seams from too much energy.”
	She dropped his hand as she groaned in annoyance. “Be glad. It’s maddening sometimes. It’s better now than it was, but I can feel it rising again, like a river just about to flood its banks. Ugh, I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone.”
	“I do want to help, honestly, I do.”
	“I know. I’m going to try to figure out something else. Something that won’t strain our relationship like… like the events of last night. The aftermath of that is going to take time to work out between us, and I know that, but I hope that we can someday get back to where we were.”
	“Right. Where we were.” He cleared his throat and raised his head but still wasn’t looking at her.
	She was going to bid him good night and a quiet watch when she thought of something. “Can I ask a question though?”
	“You can ask me anything, Princess.”
	“You don’t have to answer,” she told him politely. “But why were you so surprised I would choose you?”
	He finally looked at her again, incredulous. “Why would you choose me? I’m…” He looked down at himself and then back up to her. 
	It was her turn to prompt him. “You’re what? Handsome? Strong? Sexy? A constant support and a well-spring of understanding?”
	He looked away. “A weapon,” he replied hollowly.
	“Oh, Shiro, you’re not…”
	“I am,” he insisted, turning away from her to stare out at the bridge’s screens and their views of deep space. 
	She walked up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder again. “You’re not a weapon, Shiro. You’re not a tool. You’re not a thing. I’m so sorry that I ever made you feel like anything less than the wonderful man you are.”
	“You didn’t. That’s the thing. You meant to, maybe. But then it became ‘let’s live out this fantasy of us being two different people,’ and then it was… it was us, it was really us, and I can’t stop remembering it, and I…”
	She leaned her forehead against his arm. “I’m so sorry. I confused everything so badly and I should never have even put you in that situation to begin with.” She straightened up. “It won’t happen again, Shiro, I promise.”
	He turned his head to look at her. “I felt human again for a little bit. Not a weapon, not a paladin, just… just human. It was nice. Even better because it was with you. But… you’re right.” He looked back to the view screens. “It’s too confusing, and we’d never hear the end of it from Coran and the guys, and it just…”
	“It muddies everything,” she finished for him.
	He nodded. “Yeah, that’s it exactly. And it doesn’t matter how good it felt, because that’s, well, like you said, it’s excellent but temporary.”
	“Precisely,” she agreed. “I’m sure I can find some other way to solve my problem. There are other options that the ancients knew of, after all.”
	He looked at her out of the corner of his eye. “Have you tried those?”
	“Yes, and they don’t help as much as… but I’m sure I’ll figure something out!”
	He turned to her. “Allura, the universe needs you well-rested.”
	“I will figure something out,” she promised him. She didn’t know where to focus her eyes at the moment. It seemed like everywhere she looked was another reminder of exactly what she shouldn’t be thinking of. The excess energy inside her practically keened like a bored runniger. 
	“That’s good, but if you can’t… Well, we already know one thing that works.”
	She cast her eyes to the side, out to space. “I can’t do that to you again.”
	“Allura, it’s not that I regret it. I regret that it’s all we’ll ever have.”
	She whipped her head back to him in surprise, and his eyes caught hers. Almost as dark as outer space, but with a warmth and depth that the endless vacuum surrounding the Castle could never have. She couldn’t look away, and didn’t want to. The words were out of her mouth before she even knew what they were. “It doesn’t have to be.”
	His brow furrowed. “Is that you or the extra quintessence talking?”
	“Bit of both?” she admitted. The heat was coming back to her face, but she was still trapped by Shiro’s eyes. 
	“I can’t leave; I’m on night watch,” he pointed out.
	“Everyone’s asleep.” She put her hands on his chest, pushing him back towards his chair. 
	It took almost no effort; his only resistance was verbal. “You really want to…here?”
	She licked her lips and nodded. His legs hit the chair and he fell into it; she wasted no time in hiking her skirt and straddling his lap. “I want to. But what do you want, Shiro?”
	He already had his hands on her hips. “It’s hard to think straight with you on top of me like this,” he admitted.
	She looped her arms around his neck. “Should I get up?”
	“Probably, but,” his hands slid around to her back, “I don’t want you to.”
	“What do you want?” she repeated. 
	He hesitated but his gaze was steady. He relented. “You. God, I want you.” His eyes finally dipped away from her face as he blushed. He chose to look down along her body instead.
	She grinned and rubbed against him, pulling a moan out of his throat. She pulled her hands away so she could reach down between them and get his pants open. “Tell me no at any time and I’ll stop.”
	“I know. I don’t want you to stop.”
	“I don’t want to use you, Shiro.”
	“You’re not. You’re not,” he vowed, breath already fast. He arched a little to help her with his pants, making sure she had easy access to what they both needed.
	His hands fumbled through her skirt until they found skin. She inhaled sharply at the feel of his still-gloved hand sliding over her thigh, the different textures of fabric and flesh thrilling. “Use your right to ‘check’ this time,” she told him.
	“You want that?” He sounded surprised.
	“I want every part of you, Shiro,” she told him as she freed his growing erection from his pants.
	He wasted no time. She arched when metal fingers pulled aside her panties so he could thumb her clit directly. “You’re sure this is okay?”
	She whimpered and rubbed against his hand. “Very sure.” Still warm, just not as warm as his natural hand, smoother but still textured. It was Shiro but it wasn’t and the semantics of it hardly mattered when he was alternating between firm petting and soft teasing. She made herself focus up and took hold of his cock to return the favor, stroking his still-hardening length to get him ready.
	She wanted to protest when he pulled his hand away, but then he breathed, “God, look at you.” She looked to his face to find his gaze rapt upon her. “You are the most breath-taking woman I have ever seen, and to have you on my lap like this, wanting me so much, and backlit by the universe… Allura.” He said her name like a prayer, his eyes full of awe, and if she weren’t already wet and ready for him, that would have done it.
	She blushed, raised her hands to his shoulders, and pushed herself up to align properly. He moved his hands, still under her skirt, to cup her ass and help steady her. Despite the unwieldy position, she felt so secure with him, like he was her foundation. In many ways, he was becoming that rapidly; in other ways, he already was.
	She eased herself onto him, biting her lip and trying to keep her eyes open as she sank down. She wanted to watch him react to this, and was rewarded by seeing his own eyes fall closed, his head loll back against the chair, and the feel of his grip tightening on her as he moaned. “I love that I can make you look and sound like that,” she managed.
	“Fuck, you feel amazing like this.”
	She grinned and leaned towards his ear. “Such language, my paladin.”
	“Should I say ‘quiznak’ instead?”
	“Only if you want to. I only ever want you to do what you want.”
	He shifted beneath her just a little as she took him all the way in. He turned to kiss her neck – or, well, the neck of her cape, since it was in the way. He didn’t seem to mind. His hands loosened their grip a little. “I want you to ride me,” he whispered. “And look me in the eye when you do. I don’t want you imagining some fantasy – of me or anyone else. I need you to acknowledge that, even if this only started because you need to vent the extra quintessence, that this is me and this is you and…”
	“…and it’s so good,” she finished. “I can do that.” She pushed away enough to be able to see his face and wasn’t surprised this time to find him already looking at her. She finger-combed some of that white fringe away from his face. “I’m very, very happy to do that.” And she set about proving it.
	It was more difficult like this, but that just meant more energy spent, which she needed. She kept her eyes on his as she moved up and down, content to lose herself in his dark gaze as much as in the feel of him deep within her.
	“Amazing,” he sighed as he began to move in concert with her.
	She couldn’t respond in words; so much of her air had to go to keeping her moving and breathing. What had started out requiring considerable focus – don’t close your eyes, go up, go down, hands on his shoulders, ah gods, don’t close your eyes, don’t just let gravity claim you, push up now, don’t close your eyes – was now becoming effortless. She just moved and stared and moaned and the hardest thing to remember was BREATHE. 
	“Ah, Shiro…”
	“Getting close, Princess?”
	“Yes.”
	“What do you need?”
	“You, Shiro, just you, ah…” She gave up; her eyes closed in surrender and she let her entire body focus on the ecstasy he was pumping into her. The overflowing quintessence seemed to coil within her. 
	“Allura, I… I can’t…”
	“Don’t hold back,” she told him, echoing his words from last night. “I want to be able to feel you come before the energy washes it away.”
	He obeyed, and her body arched with her own climax as if in response, her hair falling away from her back. Then she fell forward, and he pulled his hands out from under her skirt to wrap her in his arms as they caught their breath.
	“You okay?”
	She hummed happily in response.
	“Don’t fall asleep on me. You have to get back to your room, and I have to stay here on the bridge.”
	“I’m not going to fall asleep on you. Though I could. You’re warm.”
	“Thank you.”
	“But not as comfy as my bed.” She straightened up and he released her so she could stretch. “I need a shower now anyway.”
	“You’re going to be okay to do all of that?”
	“I think so, actually. I mean,” she yawned, “I am tired now, but I actually slept well last night. I can make it back to my quarters, at any rate. I’ll decide whether or not to shower now or in the morning when I’m there.”
	He smiled and pushed back a sweat-damp tendril of hair from her face. “Good.”
	“So, we’re okay now, yes?” she asked.
	“We were never not okay. And you’re not using me. I want to be able to help you, Allura.”
	“Especially if it’s this sort of help?”
	“Well… I mean, it’s still going to be a bit awkward, but…”
	“I will try to find another way,” she promised.
	“Thank you. But if you can’t, I don’t mind this, so long as we’re being honest with each other about it. No more ‘pretending’ to be someone or something else.”
	“No more pretending,” she agreed as she pulled her panties back into place and stood up. Her knees protested as she got back to her feet, but she steadied herself quickly. It didn’t stop Shiro from reaching a hand out towards her.
	“Whoa there.”
	“I’m fine. It’s just the position and the effort and, well, it’s been a long time since I last did something like that.”
	He chuckled as he straightened up his own clothes. “Honestly, I couldn’t even tell.”
	She snorted. “Thank you,” she replied wryly. “Good night, Shiro.”
	“Good night, Allura.” She took a last look at his satisfied little smile and his affectionate gaze before she trusted herself to try walking. When her legs did, in fact, hold her, she headed off the bridge and back to her room for another restful night of blissful sleep.