He felt a presence coming, and his empathy told him who it was before she even emerged from the darkness. He didn't look up from his bench, just asked, "Kaiya, what are you doing here?"
"Finding you. I've been looking for you, you see. To let you know..."
"...that you don't blame me for what happened back there."
"You and your damn empathy." She sat down next to him, and he fought two urges: one to move away and the other to pull her in closer.
"Indeed. So why are you sitting down? You looked for me, to tell me. You found me, I know, so why are you still here? Want a pat on the head for being such a good girl?" He tried to inject his usual sting into his voice. It came out a touch diluted, and he knew she could hear it.
"Imari, why do you do this? Why do you always push people away when you need them the most?" He couldn't help flinching at the phrasing she used, and was glad of the fact that she could neither hear nor feel the unbidden response that floated up through his mind: I need you most.
He felt her hands rest on his shoulders, attempting to pull him in to her. He resisted and looked away, and she finally gave up, letting go in frustration. "WHY? Why deny yourself basic human interactions?"
"Nothing about either of us is basic."
"But we're still human." She paused, and he felt her hand rest on his arm. "YOU'RE still human, Imari."
"But for how long?" She suddenly had hold of his face. She jerked her hands up so forcefully his head had to follow. He blinked and the last of the tears he'd been hiding fled down his cheeks. She didn't seem to remark it. She looked determined and angry.
"If you're so damn worried about turning Ichaar, I'd think you'd be seeking out human relationships, to keep you grounded, to keep you from going over. Instead you push everyone away, act like an asshole to drive them off. It makes no sense."
"It makes perfect sense, Kaiya. To me."
"You are an idiot, Imari." He felt himself getting hot under the collar. She wasn't shutting up either. "You're absolutely the most stupendously stupid man I've ever met! You keep trying to accelerate your death, so then maybe you can die without regrets, as a full human, without mourners. So noble, so self-sacrificing. It's how you ended up in this mess in the first place! And even then, you still have to go it alone. No comrades, no brothers-in-arms, no help!"
He threw her hands off him as he leapt to his feet. "I DO have to go it alone! This is MY fight! How are you supposed to help me fight off the demons within my own soul?!"
She was right there in his face again, literally, eyebrows drawn together and screaming right back at him, "By loving you, you imbecile, if you'd let me!"
It knocked all the fire out of him, and he was just standing there, gaping. She wasn't disoriented at all though, and she was still enraged. She might not have been trained as a fighter, but she saw her opportunity and she took it, grabbing hold of either side of his face again to haul him in for an anger-powered searing kiss.
She was wrapped up in his arms before he was even conscious of it, and the urge to pull her in tight against him won the struggle easily. The kiss was so hard he thought one of them might bruise, but neither of them even tried to stop it. He deepened the kiss as she dropped her hands from his face to let her arms grasp his waist in return. Now free, he let his lips wander: over to her ears, down to her neck. She was breathing raggedly, and he wasn't aware that he was breathing air at all; every moment seemed to be caught up in making her ever more breathless.
Reality stayed at bay until her hands slid around to his chest. He felt the stay at the top release and was glad of it, until she unbuttoned the next one. Then the desperate need within released him from its fog long enough for him to shove her to arms' length, turn around and refasten his shirt closed.
"Imari..." She was out of breath, and sounding upset. He was still trying to catch up with his own breathing, and fear and disappointment swirled around the desire still clutching his heart. "It isn't like I don't know they're there."
"Knowing isn't the same as seeing. They're ugly, ugly things, Kaiya."
"Do you think I love you because you're pretty?"
His heart jumped, hearing her say it again, say it that way. He staggered against one of the pillars, taking in the cool, smooth feel of the stone against his skin. "I don't know if you can love something this ugly, Kaiya."
"Pfeh. You've done your pig-headed best to drive me off and still haven't managed it. Why would something like this send me running for cover?"
"Because these stains upon me are what nearly killed us all today." Her hands rubbed his back soothingly, and he let her calm him for a bit. "These stains are the nightmares I've fought my whole life. And you've only made the nightmares worse. Now there's a target. Now I spend my nights doing terrible, horrible things...to you."
"You could never..."
"Now, no. But..."
"You won't turn into that. And is that all you have? Nightmares?"
He was glad to be facing away from her. Blushing wasn't something he did often, or liked to display. "Mostly."
"So there ARE good dreams then. Am I in those?"
"Every one." She leaned against him and exhaled, even as he sucked in a breath of his own. She pinned his arms to his side in her embrace, and they just stood there like that.
"It's not all bad. Stop looking at just the bad. Let yourself be happy for once."
He released the breath. "I can't. I'm going to be the heir."
"I must have missed the rule that says heirs can't be happy."
"You obviously missed the rule that says an heir's life is spelled out for him the moment he's born, including who he's to marry." That obviously shocked her, as her body warmth left his back. "It doesn't matter what I feel for you, or how strongly I feel it, or how much I let myself forget about reality. It doesn't..." He swallowed, closed his eyes and concentrated on getting the words out. "...doesn't matter how much happiness just being near you gives me, or how deeply I want to hold you, kiss you, run my hands through your hair. No amount of love I have for you is going to keep my reality at bay. Even if I do not turn into an Ichaar, and even if I survive this fight and inherit the throne, the day of my coronation is also my wedding day, and I cannot marry you.
"Yes," he continued, turning around to face her. Her face was bald shock, possibly at hearing him say so many words together, let alone the content of those words. "I could take you upstairs right now and make all the good dreams come true..."
"...for both of us..." she interjected. He paused only a second or two.
"...but the dreams all end when my reign begins. And I will not, CANNOT, let go of you once I have you. So it's better..."
She kissed him hard enough to knock him up against the pillar. He tried to finish his sentence, but the rare moaned syllable was all he could manage, and he gave up trying.
"I like the idea of going upstairs."
"I...Kaiya, that wasn't a sugges..." She cut him off again. He wasn't sure how much more he could take of this. Passion and honesty was getting to be too much for him to resist. This is a harder battle than the Ichaar blood could ever give me...
She was unfastening his shirt again. He jerked his head away and grabbed her wrists. And then she looked at him. That was all. Just looked up at him, eyes wide but intensely focused on him, lips parted. The moonlight wrapped her in soft illumination.
He let his hands fall, and they grasped at the pillar behind him. Her freed wrists moved, her fingers flittered deftly and his shirt seemed to just fall open. He honestly wasn't looking at anything except that look. He had been swallowed by newborn awe somehow, and it was a precious feeling to him.
Her hands were cool as they smoothed over his skin, and then she bent and kissed one bloodstain on his chest. He held his breath, but she did nothing except kiss her way back up his neck to his lips again. His hands released the pillar and took hold of her face, for a change.
It was inevitable now. His eventual misery was sealed with that moment, but, for once, he let himself be happy instead.